I have to pee.

Yeah, I have to pee. Again. And again. All the time. Even if I only have about one ounce of fliud in me, I feel like my bladder is as full as the Puget Sound. If I feel this way now and I am only 12 weeks along what is going to happen when I am in the third trimester?! I will have to strap a porta-potty to my back because I am too proud to wear Depends.

Three weeks ago my midwife, Julie, told me my uterus was the size of a grapefruit. I wonder how big is now because the baby is the size of a lime. I don't like grapefruit. Never have. Too tart. Makes me makes funny faces when I taste it. On the other hand, I dig limes. Wouldn't drink a Corona with out 'em. And use about 4 -6 of 'em to make my famous guacamole.

Uhhm guacamole...

While I was out with my husband (we married this September 8th which is why I have not posted recently- we've been in Tuscany on honeymoon) today I had to pee so badly I ran into a McDonald's to use the bathroom. When I got through the border guards to gain entry into the bathroom I swear I pissed Niagara Falls. But first, in order to be buzzed into the bathroom by the guards we had to buy something. I love MickyD's fries so not only did I buy 'em but I ate 'em too. I am craving potatoes lately. Oh yeah craving pickles too, which I ate yesterday and today...but my cravings are another post...I hate going into McDonald's though. For more information on why I hate spending money there even just on some fries, read the book Fast Food Nation. On the rare desperate occasion that I go in there I always hope that nobody I know sees me in there. Nobody saw me today. Phew.

Anyway, all kinds of strange and embarrassing things are happening with my bladder now thanks to the pressure from my ever growing uterus (sometimes I feel it stretch as it grows). So this morning I wrote this song about my weird embarrassing bladder. It is to be sung to the tune of Frank Zappa's Why Does Hurt When I Pee. The song is from the album Joe's Garage which if you have not heard, you are really missing one the most amazing records of all time and you should stop reading this post, put on something appropriate to wear in public and go buy the album RIGHT NOW and listen to it. Joe's Garage. You'll love it. It's a way of life.

Without further ado, here's my version of the song;

Why do I pee when I sneeze? (repeat 2x)

It runs down my legs, then right on down to my knees.

Why do I pee when I sneeeeeeze?

My uterus is the size of Gibralter (repeat 2x)

The pressure on my bladder makes me need'a go pee in those trees.

Why do I pee when I sneeeeeze? Aigh yaigh yaigh.

Why do I, why do I, why do I peeeeeeee, wheeeeen, I-aigh, sneeeeeeeze?!